(no subject)

[snoozing_kitten]

Fandom: DBSK/DBSG/TVXQ etc.
Pairing: Yunho Yoochun
Title: Joker
Rating: PG-13
Chapters: 1/1
Summary: Yunho tells a joke.


++Start++

It seems like it’s all become so much of a joke, I’m just bursting at the seams with sarcastic laugher. My fate has become the butt of some universal farce, which just isn’t funny anymore. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Boy falls hard and fast for boy. Boy denies his love, and pushes boy away. Boy finds love with another. And Boy is left with all the piles of what ifs.

The irony is, it’s all my fault. I pushed him away when I should have just taken his love, and been content. Isn’t it funny, how I caused my own misery, like a blind man cursing the fates when it was himself who caused his blindness? I was that blind man and I didn’t see what I should have done.

Then I saw him with his new boyfriend. My blood boiled. I realize now what a joke it’s all been. It’s just not funny anymore. All the events that led up to this point; one thing stumbling after another, blundering on to the end waiting for laughter that will never come.

I fell for him hard and fast, like young love should be. It was like I saw him and then I could see colour, it was so sudden and so beautiful to feel it would make you cry. At the time I didn’t understand, I didn’t know what this blooming in my chest could mean. I didn’t know that I loved him. He was just that, another boy; I was older then him and took it upon myself to look after him. For awhile I think I tricked myself into thinking that I was just protective over him, he was important to me, because this band was the most important thing to me. For a while I think I even tried to pretend I felt about the others the same way I feel about him.

I always was a good actor, even as a child I would play always Romeo, looking for my fair Juliet. He wasn’t Juliet, but he was so beautiful it hurt when he smiled, and his tears cut like a blade. He would look so beautiful when he cried; it wasn’t the innocent fat tears of a child that made you want to hold him. He looked a far cry from innocent even when crying but it was beautiful in ways that made me want to twist the knife in deeper to see if he would shed any more tears. Maybe it was this urge to see him cry that finally made me realize that I liked him differently then the others. I couldn’t imagine being able to hurt anyone else.

And maybe it was the dreams where I could hold his body close. In these dreams I could make him sob with passion, driving him so hard his legs shook as I slid out, and he would collapse against me; I could untie him then. We could fall asleep together like that innocently curled, ignoring the scene around us. As I was off to sleep, I would awaken and it was all a dream, or maybe this was my nightmare, and that’s my reality. In this nightmare I can’t touch him, I can’t feel him, and I can only turn away when he cries.

Once I knew he was different, and that I liked him it knew it needed to be stopped. Watching all those romances as a child led me to know that romance between people like us wouldn’t work out. I couldn’t hold him and be the same Yunho that everyone knows. It would change everything and I was so frightened of that the farthest thing from my mind at all times was him. He was my star-crossed lover; we’d end up dead before we were allowed to be together.

He actually came to me first, so confident, and so attractive. I hated him for trying to make me face what I was and what I wanted. I wanted everything but him, truly wanting only him. He wouldn’t let me go, I tried to firmly reject him- I didn’t want him. Then he cried.

And the irony was that’s when I caved; I needed to have him to squeeze every beautiful tear out of him. It was grand for about a month; I realized that indeed, maybe just maybe I could love him. I didn’t have to deny everything so much; I could just give in and let go. I did one night.

We were so drunk we were falling all over each other, pawing our way to pass out in his room. Sex is impossible at that level of intoxication. It’s too fuzzy to remember what happened exactly. But I woke up with a sore hand, his cheek was bruised deep purple and he had tear marks down his cheeks. I knew I let go, I made him hurt like I wanted too, and his face in that instant; it must have been so beautiful.

After that I started to push him away- I couldn’t stand the thought of what I did. I couldn’t stand the fact that I found his tears so beautiful. I couldn’t stand the fact that I loved him as a boy loving another boy. I pushed him away so hard the tears fell again. Fat and heaven sent, he screamed at me, he was hurt and I knew it was my fault, and then everything was as it should be. He was away from me and we were both safe, me from that sadistic being within me, and him from me- the band as a whole from us.

A month passes. Are you ready for it? The punch line.

I saw him one day- it was by accident. But there he was, his body resting against this man’s, his head pillowed on one shoulder, soft smile on his face. Large hands rested on his slim hips and they looked so soft and so comfortable together that I felt it in me. It hurt.

Funny isn’t it? I can’t stand staying in here alone thinking about it any longer; I need to get out, and to breath, I might just die laughing. Out into the living room, there sitting on the couch, maybe I could spill to him now, maybe he finds it funny? We could collapse together, laughing so hard we cried.

“Hey Micky, wanna hear a joke?”

Comments

[m-mqueen.livejournal.com]

wow! your angsting and so is your writing! ve........ry good though! I loved how yunho made all those conections with other outside things(R&J beening one) it put alot of idea's in my head! loved it kari...why is yunchun always anst?
~chu!