snoozing_kitten | I come with the rain 3/3

He was floating, lost somewhere in a haze of unending darkness, and a pressure, a sharp pinch in his arm that had him opening his eyes and slamming them shut against such a harsh light that it made his eyes burn for a moment. Moaning softly he pressed his eyes even tighter, the spots dancing in the darkness made him feel nauseous. When he tried to take a breath to heave he choked on it, coughing harshly. Hands on his shoulders held him down and he melted back against what he was lying on.

Words mumbled above him, spinning and slipping through his addled mind like a twisting stream. He knew that he should be more worried that nothing made sense, none of it. Forcing his eyes open a crack, he could see the person hovering over him as a moving shadow against the light, hands pressed against his face now, smoothing back his hair. There was more incoherent speech, it sounded like a woman with a deeper voice.

His arms were numb, then his face was numb.

Then he slept again.

Yamashita figured he was dreaming, this time there was seven crows all watching him on a wire and he was holding someone’s hand again. Looking over his shoulder he wasn’t quite sure what to expect, his mind felt too full of information to process anything. Besides it was a dream, he could be getting cuddly with a tentacle monster and it wouldn’t seem too odd. Instead a familiar female face smiled at him and there was a moment before his mind almost audibly clicked into place.

’Rina.’ He said and it came out on a breath, but his smile got across and she smiled back at him.

There was cawing and when he looked back at the crows, they were shifting changing into doves before his eyes, inky black to purest white.

He woke up when someone said something too loud, sudden sound waves pulling him up and to the surface.

“Not so loud Mom. It wasn’t that... Tomo?” There was Rina, sitting in one of the chairs by his bed, and his mother in the other one, she turned around so fast that she could have given herself whiplash. With something like a sob she was moving, propelled out of her chair and onto his bed, arms tight around his neck in a rare display of emotion.

“Tomo.” Her voice soothing even as his arms tried weakly to return her gesture. “You’re awake.”

“Sleepy-head.” Rina teased as was her god-given right as a baby sister, standing back but probably just waiting her turn for a hug. He turned his face into his mom’s hair the smell of her shampoo filling his lungs and making it hard to breathe, but that could just be her slight weight against his chest. Either way it felt right and his eyes stung with sudden tears.

“What’s going on?” He asked, or tired too. His throat wouldn’t co-operate and his mother sat back wiping her face quickly as Rina grabbed a glass of water with a straw. It felt like heaven on his throat and he might have whined when she took it away from him again.

“I’ll go get the doctor.” With that Rina was gone in a flash of floral skirt and pink sweater that YamaPi’s mind couldn’t process fast enough to really understand.

“How are you feeling?” The tears must have been falling now because she brushed both of his cheeks with her hands, they were warm. He had the feeling that he’d lost something, but he couldn’t be sure what.

“Tired.” He croaked and that startled a laugh from her.

“You’ve been asleep for days.” She said, pushing his hair away from his face. It must be really gross by now.

“Why?” He struggled to sit up and she helped him, moving the pillows around until he was propped up and draped across the pillows.

“What do you remember?” Tucking some of his hair behind his ear, and YamaPi had to bite down on the urge to laugh, that seemed like such a funny question. Even if he wasn’t really sure what the joke was.

“I...” There really wasn’t anything, just he had been...?

“Don’t worry, your memory will come back in time.” The doctor breezed into the room, Rina trailing on his heels, eyes instantly riveted on her brother like he might have vanished since she’d left. The doctor looked tired, deep purple bruises under his eyes, the fringe of his grey hair falling into his eyes.

“It will?” He looked around the room, wondering belatedly why he was in a hospital. It didn’t really look like a hospital, more like someone had pushed a few beds into an office. Everything looked like it had been thrown together at the last moment with an eye for function over form.

“Yes. Now that you’re awake the danger is past and you should make a full recovery.” The doctor grabbed his chart of a hook attached to the wall over the light switch and pulled a pen out of what seemed like nowhere and made a few notes. “You’re memory should return gradually over the next few days.” Then he actually looked up, fixing his eyes on YamaPi’s and smiled softly, it was a tired yet triumphant look and he realized that he was probably younger then YamaPi first assumed. “You’re lucky, not too many people who got the treatment as late as you have woken up yet.”

“Thank you.” He replied, voice still not unlike rusted metals sliding together.

“I’m just glad to see you up and about.” With that he left the room.

“So glad.” He got another hug from his mother and Rina looked so happy she could cry. YamaPi still had no idea what bullet he’d just dodged but he felt like it grazed him anyways.

“Me too.” He said softly.

Exhausted he sank back against the pillows and listened to his mother and sister talk for a few more minutes before going back to sleep.

The third time he woke up in as many days was with a gasp, emotion rocking through his head like a tidal wave. He clawed at the blankets covering him, desperation tangling his fingers in the fabric and he groaned out loud waking the two women sleeping in the chairs by his bed. “I need to remember.” He hissed, finally managing to shove the blankets down to his waist and pulled his arms out, running his fingers along the lines of muscle desperately, like there was brail there to be read. “I lost it.” He cried out despairingly as his mother grabbed his wrists and held on, the IV in his arm in serious danger of being removed by his thrashing.

“Tomohisa.” She said, and Rina was on his other side trying to push his shoulders into the bed. He managed to relax, each, muscle relaxing one at a time until he was lying there staring sightlessly at the ceiling, despair making it hard to see, or was that tears again? “Honey what is wrong?”

“Brother?” Rina carefully let go when it looked like he wasn’t going to injure himself, his mother let go long enough to straighten the blanket on his legs. “What is it?”

“It’s gone.” He said, frowning, and looking down at his arms, if he squinted he could see the faintest lines here and there, but not enough to read from. The memory was fuzzy but he knew this was important. Something was missing and it was going to drive him crazy. “There was something written on my arm. Something important.”

“The doctor says the rest of your memories will come back in time, just relax.” Their voices were soothing, but he couldn’t stop thinking about his arms. He stared at them, faint black hairs on tanned skin, nothing there to see, he twisted them so that he could inspect the paler undersides, and there. Just enough of an outline to be seen, ‘with Koyama.’

His anxiety given a name the memories tumbled through, as if he’d spoken the magic word. A pretty face in the dimness, strong arms holding him close while they were scared. Sense memory of soft breath against his lips and the overwhelming urge to kiss his frown away made him suck in a sharp breath between his teeth. He had been forgetting something important.

“Where is Koyama?” He asked, looking from his mother to his sister.

“Koyama?” His mother frowned. “I don’t know.”

“We were found together.” He said, thinking back to those last few moments, pulling Koyama along with him, focused on nothing but keeping the other man safe. He shivered sending a silent apology to him wherever he was, he’d forgotten. Forgot what shouldn’t have been.

“You had no ID on you,” his mother smoothed his hair down next, “one of the nurses recognized you.”

“Oh.” Which was great and all but he’d promised himself to look after Koyama. “I need to find him.”

“Just focus on getting better.” His mother pat his shoulder with a gentle touch and smiled. “I’m sure he is fine.”

“I promised I would stay with him.” Rubbing his thumb absently over the name spelled in two careful kanji on the inside of his arm, a rather intimate place. God, it was all so fucked up in his head. A tangle of memories, almost kisses, and hopelessness and desperation all wrapped up in the other man, overlaid like acetate over years of friendship they had both forgotten about. What ached the most was that Koyama had still been Koyama, all the best parts of his personality survived the scrapping away of his memories and YamaPi saw something in that. “I just need to find him.”

“You shouldn’t move. I’ll go ask some questions.” That was Rina, giving him a small smile. Today her sweater was a bright sky blue.

It had rained, they got wet with it, the sky was black and Koyama’s pants had been so white, the colours were making his head hurt.

“I think I want to sleep more.” Yamashita groaned, pressing his hands to his eyes and his mother laughed. They all seemed to be quite content to put the whole thing behind him.

He could do it too. He just needed more sleep, or something. Yamashita, no YamaPi lay his head down and thought about not thinking about Koyama until it worked.

It wasn’t until much later that he learned that him and Koyama had been separated by force, the other man kicking and screaming as he was subdued and shoved in the back of a different truck. The thought would probably never stop giving him stomach cramps. The bruise from the whack to the face healed, but sometimes it felt like the bone still hurt, he should be glad that it hadn’t broken anything. Ryo still really wasn’t talking about what happened to him, Tegoshi’s luck spilled through and he ran pretty much right into the arms of the doctors while disoriented, and most of the staff had escaped into the streets in those first few minutes.

Japan itself was stronger for what happened. National pride at an all time high, they had overcome something so big the news casters were still making up words for it. That and the whole fucking earth had gotten their collective shit together and saved Tokyo city. It was almost straight out of manga, and it made him feel soft and warm inside. Humanity was still alive and kicking.

All of which was great, but no help right now.

YamaPi wished that the light would stay red for just a little longer. It would be the first time that everyone was getting back together since their sudden and rather unexpected holiday. They would be re-filming the show next week, but photos needed to be taken. It was important they showed their smiles to the world when it needed it most. That was what idols did.

The light was still red and YamaPi breathed in relief. He was such a chicken-shit. It flicked green and he pressed his foot on the gas, easing his car into speed, wishing that there would be some traffic, something to hinder him. Five more minutes to himself. The next light was green and the one after that, as predicted by Murphy’s law. He parked quickly and didn’t linger, walking quickly to the warehouse that the photo shoot would be taken in.

Most of the staff smiled at him, told him they were glad he was well. Rumours of how close he and Koyama had come to being lost among those who still couldn’t remember were all over the fan boards. They weren’t the only ones but as YamaPi’s mail filled with letters exclaiming his safety he couldn’t help but be touched regardless.

“Hey.” Ryo looked up at him, nodding. They had spoke on the phone briefly, the phone tree proving to be alive and well. It was good to have visual evidence that Ryo was alright, Massu was sitting on the couch next to him with the PSP in his hands, eyes riveted on the screen. He looked a lot like Junno did in the same position even, with his legs crossed and his forearms resting on his shins bent over his screen familiar from all that time spent in the kat-tun waiting rooms. It looked like they were sharing a box of sweets, the chocolates open between them. Normally it wouldn’t be too notable, but YamaPi tried to remember a time where Massu and Ryo sat together like that while Tego was across the room looking obviously bored a book in his lap and headphones on. It was different. Or maybe it was just YamaPi trying to project his own issues on the two of them, they had been stuck together during the ordeal.

“’Morning” He nodded back at Ryo, the other man’s dark eyes traveling over his body in much the same fashion, needing to know that they were both okay. YamaPi smiled. “It’s nice to be back at work.”

“You would think so.” Ryo snorted, flipping the page of the magazine on his lap absently, fingernails scratching lightly over the glossy pages. “Shige and Koyama are in make-up right now.”

“Thanks.” He smiled, and moved over to Tegoshi next, needing to do the good leader thing and check in on all of them.

“Hey.” He touched the younger man’s shoulder lightly and in return Tegoshi leaned into the contact with a bright smile.

“YamaPi.” He tugged the ear-buds off softly and twisted until he was pressing the top of his head against YamaPi’s tummy and looking up at him with big soft eyes. “You’re late.”

“Traffic.” He lied.

“I see.” Tegoshi nodded sagely, and his head pulled up YamaPi’s shirt, the longer bits of his hair ticking against his skin. “It’s god to be back.”

“It is.” He agreed. “I even got al caught up on my sleep.” It was rather funny to him, and he just managed not to smile at his own in-joke. Tegoshi smiled anyways like he got it.

“Awesome.” On his way over to the make-up room he ruffled Massu’s soft hair by means of greeting and the younger man actually looked up at him and favoured him with one of his most beaming smiles, it looked like a mirror of Tegoshi’s. The make-up room was down the hall and was filled with three women working on hair and make-up at the same time, twisting and turning around each other to reach the tools of their trade like it was a choreographed dance. Shige had his head tipped to the side as Marylin worked something sticky into his hair and Koyama had his eyes closed, Asahi adding a base concealer to his skin. Nami was working on Shige with a set of brushes and a few pots of powders and creams.

He’d spent the last day trying to work through his emotions regarding Koyama, coming to terms with the fact that while he had been someone else, that person had fallen in love with the tall man. But it wasn’t as if that other man were entirely gone, his thoughts and his feelings were YamaPi’s. He was completely unprepared for the tightening in his chest when he caught sight of Koyama’s impossibly long body. He was so beautiful.

“Hey you two.” His voice sounded almost normal to his own ears, even as it forced its way out of the sudden paralysis of his lungs.

“YamaPi.” Shige sat up too fast and Marylin grabbed his hair and he yelped, Koyama tensed all over but Asahi saw it first and removed the pen before he could ruin her work. He almost didn’t notice Shige’s flailing as sticky fingers yanked out several strands of hair, his eyes seeking out only Koyama’s the other’s face looking strangely lop-sided with only half of his make-up done.

“Shige!” Maryline admonished as he pulled his hair from between her fingers.

“Oww.” Shige whined, sagging back against the chair. Koyama’s lips quirked in a smile that YamaPi felt helpless against, his own matching them.

“It’s nice to see you too.” YamaPi answered and Shige grumbled something under his breath that made Koyama’s smile wider.

“You’re okay.” Koyama said, and when his eyes travelled the length of YamaPi’s body and he had to fight the urge to flush he knew that he still wasn’t ready to face him yet. “I was still sort of worried, Rina said you were alright.” YamaPi tried not to dwell on that too long, how desperate he’d been to find Koyama after he woke up. The terror was still too fresh and bitter.

“I sent her to find you.” Koyama’s eyes went a little wide and YamaPi figured now would be a really good time to leave. “I’ll let you two get all prettied-up,” not that Koyama needed it, “and I’ll see you on set.”

“Bye.” Koyama smiled, Shige waved his fingers, Nami’s brush working over his chin now. YamaPi fled as fast as he could without looking like he was actually running.

Somehow he managed to avoid getting cornered by Koyama for the whole elongated shoot, not for lack of the other man trying. He was a little scared of what Koyama might want to say to him. ‘It was nothing’ was as painful as ‘I still want you.’ So he used the tried and tested tactic of if-I-can’t-see-you-then-you-can’t-see-me. By the end of the day he was every just as exhausted from running and ducking when he heard the other man’s voice as posing for numerous photos under the snappish command of the latest photographer.

“You seem weird.” YamaPi will never admit but Ryo had just scared the living day-lights out of him and it took everything he had to clamp down on the urge to gasp or yell. “Weirder.” Ryo clarified with some of his usual friendly verbal acid.

“Thanks for the update.” YamaPi smiled at him.

“Want to talk about it?” Ryo pushed off the wall, looking sort of like he hated himself for even asking, it was sweet really. Ryo would usually rather bite off his tongue then have a ‘feelings conversation’.

“Not really.” That got him a shrewd glace even if he knew Ryo personally didn’t want to be the one to talk. “Do you?”

“Fuck no.” Ryo said quickly and snappily.

“Then we’re settled.”

“I guess. Just, pull yourself together, Tego-nyan needs you in tip-top shape.” With a manly clap on his shoulder Ryo spun on his heel and walked off. YamaPi watched him for a bit and wondered what to do.

Pull it together, obviously.

Two painful days, and he’d decided to just ignore this thing between them and go on like nothing ever happened. If Koyama wanted to talk to him, well he was busy which really shouldn’t come as such a surprise. He was a highly regarded idol after all and he had a lot of things to do, he had a life that while it may be true revolved around in a peripheral way around Koyama, he didn’t have time for holding his hand anymore or anything. It was helpful that they didn’t see each other too much. It wasn’t like he needed a reminder of what Koyama looked like, after being forcibly removed from his memory not once but twice it felt like ever moment was being branded into his brain in an effort to stop himself from losing any more.

Two days stretched into ten.

Which then shifted into two weeks without him noticing. He felt like having a ‘I fell out of love with my friend’ party. Well that wasn’t entirely true, he still got that tight feeling in his tummy when Koyama’s eyes would seek him out first in the room, and his heart beat faster when Koyama’s voice was suddenly too close to his ear. Other than that he was quite pleased with his progress. Sublimation was the word of the week, he wasn’t thinking about it, therefore it didn’t exist.

Of course that meant when he was planning the party was when Koyama finally managed to corner him, quite literally. YamaPi back was pressed against the corner, Koyama’s fingers digging into his bicep holding him in place in a rare display of physical strength.

“Wait, Yamashita. YamaPi.”

“I have to go, sorry.” Koyama’s fingers tightened.

“I won’t take too much of your time.” Which really was beside the point since YamaPi was rushing home to feed his dogs and they were used to waiting on him by now, but Koyama didn’t need to know that. “I just need to talk.”

“Yeah?” He relaxed a little into the other man’s grip, still not too comfortable, the heat off his body and the strong press of his fingers were highly distracting.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Koyama’s face looked like YamaPi kicked his cat and he hated himself a little for putting that look there, but it was for the best, he needed it.

“I have not.” He managed to shake Koyama’s grip from his arm, crossing his arms over his chest and forcing Koyama out of his personal space; that made the kicked dog look even worse. “You know we have been busy.” ... you know, since then.

“Yamashita.” He crossed his own arms over his chest, and Koyama rarely gets mad but the scowl on his face made him look more masculine, it shouldn’t have amused him but he couldn’t help it.

“What?” He managed to snap back, shoving his feelings as deep as he could.

“You’re not making this easy.” Koyama scowled at him, lips slipping into less of a scowl and more of a pout, a familiar expression that YamaPi had always been weak against this time he hardened himself to it. Now was not the time to cave to Koyama, he’d worked too hard.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Plausible deniability. When sublimation failed.

“Really?” Koyama leaned in, eyes flicking all over his face, his lips, then his eyes, ears, lips, cheeks, lips. “I thought that would be obvious, I can’t stop thinking about that time.” He was leaning in now, eyes holding YamaPi’s intent written all over his face. An interrupted kiss hanging over his head like a death bell.

Stopped by YamaPi’s hand on his chest pushing him away, Koyama leaned back with a frown. “Yamashita?”

“That guy.” He managed to slip around Koyama, increasing the distance between them, as if he could force mental distance by enforcing physical distance. “That’s not me.”

“You’re you.” Koyama’s argument was said in a flat tone, it wasn’t one he was used to hearing from their expressive member. YamaPi shrugged.

“I don’t feel the same things he did.” He couldn’t quite manage to meet Koyama’s eyes as he lied, but he just couldn’t accept it.

“But-“

“Listen.” YamaPi cut him off sharply with his leader voice. “We were stuck together in an impossible situation, what you feel is a result of that. You weren’t really you either anyways so none of it really matters. Just forget about it okay? Besides I don’t like men, and you know you can’t.”

Koyama stared at him for a moment, shoulders slumped slightly, but dark eyes focused on his face. After a moment when YamaPi was scared that Koyama was going to fight him over the issue he just nodded curtly. “Sorry, I won’t keep you any longer.” He nodded at the exit.

“We’re still good?” He went for the manly shoulder clap.

“Yeah, of course.” Part of him was shocked and actually a little scared that Koyama wasn’t crying or something. Sometimes he forgot that Koyama was made of stronger, maybe sometimes a little whippy, stuff on the inside.

“Good, see you tomorrow.”

Sitting alone in his car he let his forehead rest on the steering wheel, god he was such an asshole. Hurting Koyama felt like pulling teeth, and there was no way he wasn’t hurt after this, no one liked getting rejected. Everything he’d said was true, well not that bit about not feeling the same way. He was YamaPi again and he’d never once thought a single romantic thought about the other man before that brief jaunt as Koyama’s Yamashita.

Therein laid the problem. He wasn’t Yamashita, who’d loved Koyama, but he held all his feelings and emotions. YamaPi was no longer Yamashita, after all how much of the person remained when their memories were stripped away? With a deep breath he started the ignition and pulled out of the car-park. His dogs would need to wait, he felt like driving until the hurricane of thoughts tapered off to a breeze. So he did.

Ironically, it was the next day when he ran into Ryo. And Massu. They were curled around each other on the low couch, Massu was pressing his lips to the side of Ryo’s hair eyes pressed tightly closed as Ryo’s hands wandered, tugging at the clothing and hair he could reach with how close they were pressed together. Massu drew in a sharp breath that stuttered a few times as he released it and Ryo was murmuring something that was too low for YamaPi to hear. He’d made some noise coming in but neither of them seemed to notice it, too wrapped up in each other. It was raining again outside and the lighting in the room was a mix of dimmed fluorescents and watery light from the window in the room.

YamaPi backed out as quickly and silently as he could.

He found Shige near the vending machine, looking tired and strung out. “Hey.” He said softly and Shige nodded at him, pressing the button for a can of coffee, he looked like he really needed it.

“Morning.” Shige replied, his eyes darting down the hall where YamaPi had come from. “Did you find them?”

“Yeah.” The image was branded behind his eyes, when he blinked he could see it, a mix of light and dark hair, and soft lips and gentle fingertips. “How long?”

“Have I known or they been at it?” Shige cracked the top on his drink, YamaPi shrugging, and took a long sip of the cold coffee before answering. “We all know- you were the last. Since the forgotten days, they haven’t been able to let go of each other, well that’s what Tegoshi tells me. Ryo won’t talk about it and Tego won’t fully break confidence.”

YamaPi’s breath stuck in his throat and he forced himself to inhale through the sudden constriction. Shige looked a little sad, masking it by taking another long sip of his sweet coffee, when he took it down he just looked tired again.

“Wait out here or try and make a lot of noise as you go in. Tegoshi will be here soon anyways and he’s fine with just going in, they’ll stop then.” Shige’s face went a little pink as he explained it.

“Sounds like a plan, so have your classes started back up yet?” Shige shook his head and began to explain how all of his classes were still on hold as everyone was still sorting out in the aftermath. It had been over two weeks, but the forgotten days had left a large scar on the city and her beloved people. YamaPi tried to listen but in his head all he could see was two people and neither of them was Shige. He trailed off and looked down the hall, nothing moved and YamaPi shivered.

“YamaPi.” Shige shifted his weight from foot to foot, he looked nervous and YamaPi wanted to kick himself for not noticing before, it’s just that the minute Shige had a hang-nail Koyama was all over it and YamaPi never had to really take care of him before. “... Do you think everything will go back to normal?”

“What do you mean?” Shige looked like he needed a hug.

“Everyone has been different since then, well maybe except for Tegoshi.” He smiled faintly, a slight sardonic twist of his lips that didn’t look right on Shige’s face at all. He gave into the urge and pulled the younger man against his shoulder, the fact that Shige went willingly said more about his state of mind than anything else. His shoulders were broader then Koyama’s, but he managed to fold himself into the circle of YamaPi’s arms and rested his head on his shoulder. “We...” He paused and his hands touched YamaPi’s sides briefly before falling to the side again. “I... I’m sure a lot of people did bad things.” Shige shuddered against him. “I mean, we didn’t know who we were.”

“It’s okay, shh.” He awkwardly pet Shige’s hair, the gel made it stiff under his fingers and he rubbed softly at the back of his neck where the hair was soft still.

“There was an accident, and I couldn’t stop it.” Shige shuddered, “I didn’t know how. It is so dumb.”

“Dumb is a good word for it.” YamaPi replied, thinking that that was entirely too true. His whole life had been fucked since then, and he wasn’t the only one. They stayed like that Shige limp against YamaPi’s chest until Tegoshi showed up to scare Ryo and Massu apart. Shige’s face went bright red, Tegoshi only rolled his eyes when he saw them, and YamaPi wiggled his fingers in a wave over Shige’s shoulder.

“Thanks.” Colour still ride high on Shige’s face, even the tips of his ears were glowing, it was a much better look for him then dejection.

“I didn’t do anything.” He shrugged and Shige nodded, end of conversation. Feeling portion of the whole damn week over with.

“You listened, we’re all messed up.” Shige shook his head. “... Koyama’s,” he shuffled his feet again and YamaPi didn’t want to hear whatever he would say next because it would eventually mean more conversations on feelings and reliving memories best given a swift death. The fact that Koyama had let Shige get so out of sorts meant not all was right in Koyama’s rainbow land. “He’s been different. Do you know if something happened? He won’t tell me.” Shige shrugged. In his mind’s eye he could see Shige’s failed attempts at a heart to heart with the other man, hedging around personal words and jumbling up the whole point until Koyama took control of the conversation again. He smiled at the thought.

“He probably just needs some time too.” God he hoped so. That or Ryo got his shit together and dealt with it, because he couldn’t.

“If you say so.”

“Out of my way.” Ryo huffed, pushing on Shige’s shoulder and Shige snorted, pushing back. Everything snapped back into focus, the light was still watery and Ryo’s lips were too-red and Shige’s face was still pink. It was way too early for this shit.

Eyes open and uncomfortably aware of just how close Ryo and Massu had suddenly become, it wasn’t blatant anymore now that they weren’t necking on the company couch, but it was still there written like subscript in all of their interactions. Ryo never seemed to stray too far out of arm’s reach of the younger man unless it was necessary, and Massu whom was normally an independent worker took the time to slow down so that they could stay in each other’s orbit.

On the other hand, him and Koyama were repelling magnets, buzzing away as soon as they came too close. YamaPi still did a majority of the buzzing.

He didn’t buzz away fast enough and the door closed behind Koyama with a click and they were alone. “YamaPi?” It had stopped raining mid-morning and it was still over-cast outside but the sky was beginning to lighten. If they were lucky it would breed a rainbow. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure.” His voice didn’t sound too tight, but he was poised, ready for Koyama to go on the offensive. He deserved no less for being an asshole, but he would be able to rebuke any attempts to change his mind.

“I want to write a song for the people who couldn’t find their memories again.” Those who were not treated fast enough or suffered complications were left damaged, with most of their lives missing. “I want to write a song for people like Mystery-san. I thought that if I got you and Ryo to agree with me then management would agree too.”

“That’s a pretty good idea.” He nodded and Koyama visibly relaxed. “Have you talked with Ryo or Shige about it yet?”

“I figured I’d start with you, since you’d be the hardest to convince.” Koyama smiled, and it almost looked like his usual serene smile if not a little wane.

“Yeah, okay.” YamaPi nodded quite sure he should be offended that Koyama would think he would let his personal feelings get in the way of his work. Then Koyama was gone, with a nod and a small wave, slipping out the door like he’d never been there. Okay, maybe he was letting his personal feelings get in the way of his work a little, but it was just so hard to focus around Koyama. He kept getting uncomfortable flashbacks of the two of them huddled together in the near darkness, and how in those lonely hours while Koyama slept he’d known, known with his whole heart that Koyama was the whole word, that everything that mattered was there with him. He’d needed to write it on his skin so a little of what was inside showed on the outside too. The intensity of the memories could be attributed to the drugs they were all on to suppress any lingering infection; the brain was a tricky thing. Or so the doctor explained. He still didn’t fully understand the science behind what happened, other then it was of the sort that seriously fucks you up.

Maybe he should talk to Ryo about it, he seemed to know what it was like. But he wouldn’t say what YamaPi wanted to hear. He could imagine the conversation in his head

‘So, um you and Massu?’

‘No shit.’

‘How did you do it? How do you accept everything?’

‘This is about Koyama isn’t it?’

‘No.’

‘Stop being a pussy, just go with it.’ YamaPi wasn’t sure what to think about his mental monologue being Ryo-centric, but by this point nothing in his head would really phase him.

YamaPi actually felt the moment he cracked, like the whiplash of rubber in his chest something snapping painfully. It happened the same moment that Koyama walked back into the room, sweet nurturing Koyama who had everyone in his heart, and spot shaped just for YamaPi.

“Yama-“

“Shut up.” He snapped, feeling the hot rush of giddiness flowing behind his eyes and beating in his ears making his face feel hot. “I mean, listen to me.” He mentally back-peddled, managing the mental equivalent of flailing at trying to get his point across. “Do you...” He paused and Koyama just blinked at him, eyes meeting his for the first time in what felt like forever weeks of avoiding his eyes and simpering away, for what? “... Would you?”

“What?” YamaPi actually managed to roll his eyes at the weird face Koyama was pulling it looked a little painful, scared, hopefully and sort of annoyed.

“Would you still want me? I was a bit of an ass.” He shrugged. Koyama’s flabbergasted face was even better than before, slack mouth just so pretty. YamaPi revelled in the feeling allowing himself those few stunned heartbeats to remember just how stupidly attractive the other man was. “If you could see your face.” He grinned and that broke the spell, Koyama’s face going all pink and he punched YamaPi’s arm, hard. “Ow.”

“You were and asshole.” Koyama agreed, but his eyes looked suspiciously misty, his face going even redder then before. “But, I, I haven’t changed.”

“Good.”

He moved slowly, reaching one hand out first and when Koyama didn’t move he rested it on his shoulder, Koyama leaned into the touch, and so he slid it up until he was gripping the back of his neck, cradling the base of his skull with his thumb and rubbing at his soft hair lightly. “I’m sorry.” He whispered to the magnetically charged air between them.

“Just shut up.” It was Koyama who closed that last bit of space between them, resting his hands on YamaPi’s chest and hips as he shuffled forward. His lips were parted under YamaPi’s breath soft and warm when he sealed them together, his heart beating double-time. His other hand stole around to hold the smooth curve at the hollow of his back holding Koyama close. All his awkward angles, the sharp points of his hips and the strength in his shoulders fit against YamaPi in ways he couldn’t even begin to describe. They kissed like that, almost desperately with just lips fitting and shifting together, until Koyama licked at his lips, a quick flash of heat and wetness and YamaPi was unthinkingly chasing it. Almost like they were playing tag, licking at each other’s lips and teeth, in a spiralling game, his fingers tightening in the back of Koyama’s shirt resisting the urge to haul him closer.

“Koyama.” YamaPi panted against his lips and the other man tucked his face into his neck causing goose bumps to shiver down his arms.

“Yeah?” He held him a little closer, coming close to being overwhelmed by the mix of emotions that welled sharp and bright inside him. He felt scared, alive, possessive, angry, and happy all at once. Felt them all in that cool detached state as he did the emotions from before. He pressed his face to Koyama’s hair until he felt it subside a bit. He could have never been expected to hold out against something like that forever.

“I don’t know.” He managed and Koyama laughed.

“I’ll take care of you.” Koyama kissed his neck lightly. He snorted faintly into his hair.

“I don’t need you taking care of me.”

“Sure.” Koyama pulled away, but he was smiling, and YamaPi wondered if he could ever work past the tightness in his chest when he saw it. He hoped so or he was so screwed.

Koyama was sprawled on his bed, half dressed, with the buttons to his jeans left gaping and showing patches of his pale blue briefs. YamaPi himself was in his boxers and a thin t-shirt, resting his cheek on Koyama’s shoulder so he was laying more on him then he was off. They were tangled, the rise and fall of each other’s chests oddly in sync where they were pressed together.

“I remember how scared I was when I first woke up.” Koyama sighed, and the way his voice rumbled from his chest YamaPi felt it in his whole body and head. “You were there to calm me down all the time.” His hands were on YamaPi’s back tracing out random kanji against his shoulder blades and as far down his lower back as he could reach. They were both lounging in Koyama’s bedroom, it was too late at night after a photoshoot, and they had to be at work too early tomorrow morning, but YamaPi found he was physically incapable of letting go tonight. He needed all that skin, and the heartbeat under his shoulder. Sleeping was foreign and unimportant.

“I was scared too.” He admitted, there was so much from that time he hadn’t been thinking about, but when the only light in the room was the low mood lighting and Koyama was twisted around him like he belonged there he found he couldn’t stop talking. “I thought you were a zombie.” When Koyama laughed it made YamaPi’s body jump too and he let his weight settle a little heavier to keep his face from bouncing off the other man’s bony shoulder. “What? The whole time all I could think of was zombies.”

“Really?” Koyama in apology smoothed his fingers down YamaPi’s vertebrae like he was trying to play them.

“Really really.” YamaPi answered with a smile.

“Zombies!” And Koyama managed to dislodge him with his giggles, forcing YamaPi to curl up along his back smiling into the smooth skin of the back of his shoulder.

“Laugh it up, you were scared of everything.” YamaPi poked his shoulder and Koyama snorted.

“I was not.” He rolled back over, pushing YamaPi down into the bedding, hands on his shoulders and a grin on his face. “You’re not remembering correctly.”

“Oh no, I remember everything.” He arched his neck up so he could catch pretty lips with his own, lazily thrusting his tongue into the other man’s mouth and tasting the crevices there. Koyama hummed into the kiss, a happy content sound and YamaPi pressed up, testing he hold the other man had on his shoulders. He was pinned down fast. That probably shouldn’t have excited him as much as it did. “Everything.” He said and it was muffled slightly against Koyama’s lips. He could feel him smiling back.

“Are you sure? I could write my name on your arm.” Koyama sat back and, slid his hand down YamaPi’s bare arm making the skin tighten and tingle with gooseflesh in his wake. “So you won’t forget.”

Twisting up they rolled around some more, Koyama sliding off the edge of the bed, and his foot hit the floor with a bang. That caused them to giggle, and it was muffled against each other’s shoulders as they tried to move without loosing body-contact. Once they managed to slide over to the middle of the bed then YamaPi was more or less on top again, sprawled across Koyama’s legs like a lazy cat. He had most of Koyama’s body pinned now and he could feel the place that Koyama’s heavy cock was pressed up against his hip, too hot against the thin cotton of his boxers. While keeping Koyama there he managed the slide and shift until he could get his pants off leaving him only in his white boxer-briefs. Long legs were his now, there was nothing stopping him this time from letting his fingers walk all over hairy thighs. The skin under his fingers was warm, smooth where it wasn’t covered by wiry black hair. The insides of his thighs were smooth and his legs fell open when YamaPi’s fingers ventured in that direction, but he was distracted by knobby knees.

“Hey!” He squealed when YamaPi’s fingers found the soft dark place under his knees, the corned of his nails catching on the softest skin there. “That tickles. “

“Sorry.” YamaPi wasn’t really, but it settled Koyama into a puddle on the bedding. He moved again, shifting until he was kneeling over Koyama’s thighs facing his toes. He had cute toes and cute knees, kind of skinny shins, but they were sort of cute too. He leaned down, holding onto his ankle to press a kiss to one of his skinny shins, just below the knee.

“What are you doing?” Koyama moved under him, the slip and slide of their almost naked skin was electrifying. Everything was like the slow build of static in his skin, hot, sexy and totally delicious.

“Just looking.” YamaPi bent low onto his elbows to look at Koyama’s ankles; the toes had scars from too many ill-fitting shoes over the years. The skin here was soft too, his nails manicured, and there that was what he was looking for. His fingers stole away under his feet to the balls and arches, walking on his knees until he could see the soles of the other man’s feet. He could now feel and see the faint rises of the scars there, glass which had torn into the soft underside. He could remember Koyama’s cries of pain and he dipped his head to place a kiss against one of them. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.” Koyama mumbled, his fingers pressing against YamaPi’s own ankles, tracing the bony protrusion there with one soft fingertip.

“Mmm.” He hummed, pressed one more soft kiss to the sensitive top of his feet.

“Come back up here.”

“No.” YamaPi scooted back, kneed Koyama in the hip once, but not too hard. “I’m looking.”

“For what?” Koyama he twisted so YamaPi let more of his weight settle there on him to keep him in place.

“Mmm.” He hummed in response and pressed his face into the soft spot where Koyama’s leg met his body and licked at it until the other man was moaning softly. It smelled so delicious here, musky and warm he chased it with his nose until his chin was snug against Koyama’s balls and his tongue was stretched out to press against the tight skin behind them.

“YamaPi!” He squeaked, but his legs fell open in invitation, so he pressed a kiss against the soft skin there, and when he opened his mouth to take it in Koyama shivered all over, tonguing the softness and being cautious of the hard edges of his teeth. It was like sucking on grapes in velvet or something weird like that, but it made Koyama twist and moan, his hips twitching up towards YamaPi’s face. Worried that Koyama might make him bite him, he pinned his hips to the bed with two hands on his slim hips. “Stop teasing me.” He managed to gasp out in between whines.

“Why?” YamaPi grinned, when he spoke his lips brushed against the soft skin of Koyama’s balls, still slick with his own spit and Koyama gasped his hips pressing up against YamaPi’s hands.

“Because when you let me up I’m going to pin you to the bed and suck your brain out your dick, then I’m going to fuck you while you’re all loose and ready for me.” YamaPi felt the wave of heat course through him and he wished he could see Koyama’s face. He’d be willing to bet money that the other man was blushing and somehow that only made everything hotter.

“As tempting as that is, I’m on top.” And with that witty one-liner he sucked on the head of Koyama’s dick. All heat and salt on his tongue and flooding his senses, it fit in the cradle of his jaw so perfectly, like it was made for him. He moaned around the girth of it and Koyama all but shrieked, his hands pulling at the sheets, he felt the sheets shift under his knees. He tipped his head and sucked it down a little more; hollowing his cheeks and pulling up and off the end with a rather lewd pop.

“Oh god, you’re incredible.” That was a nice little ego boost, but it was hard to smile around the dick in his mouth. Humming he tongued the head, flicking the tip of his tongue against the sensitive bundle of nerves just under the crown. God, that tasted so good, it wasn’t too often he got to suck cock, and certainly not one as pretty as Koyama’s. The curve of it was just the right shape for sliding past his gag reflex and forcing open his throat.

Fingers digging into his own hips made him pull up for air, grinning and wiggling his ass around, Koyama let out a choked laugh. A hot mouth on the inside of his thigh made him suck a harsh breath between his teeth, whining low in his throat when Koyama sucked harder. Unlike YamaPi he didn’t bother to hide his teeth, gnawing at the tender flesh with enthusiasm. He let his head hang low, pressing his face against the softness of his thigh again, each breath was heady and moist and full of Koyama. He groaned low in his chest and dipped his head so he could take him in his mouth again.

Hands on his hips and he spread his legs a little so he could hit the tip of his dick on Koyama’s shoulder, the tip catching and dragging on his muscular chest, tiny pin pricks of bright pleasure. He hummed low in his throat while concentrating on the thick head, pressing against it with his tongue like he was trying to kiss it and Koyama moaned and squeaked, his legs moving in the sheets aimlessly. He flattened his tongue to make a cradle and dipped his head down again, bobbing over what he could fit in his mouth. After a few moments his neck burned and his jaw ached pleasantly, Koyama wasn’t huge but he was stretching his mouth wider than usual. Sinking down as far as he could he swallowed around what he could and felt tears springing into his eyes, trying not to gag, and he pulled off, keeping the friction up along the drag. Twice more and Koyama’s fingers were digging into the back of his knees and he was making soft noises muffled against his inner thigh. “I can’t...” He said, and YamaPi sucked harder, tightening his sore lips and lifting, Koyama’s hips followed him, desperately thrusting against his face and YamaPi let go, just angled his head and took it.

“Oh!” Koyama moaned and came, thickening and jumping against YamaPi’s tongue before the inevitable burst of warmth against the back of his mouth. It went on and on, and it was a nice ego boost to know he could make Koyama come that hard, wringing such desperate little sounds from him. He sucked until Koyama begged him to stop, legs kicking uselessly in the sheets. His own dick was so hard, it hurt, but he wanted to taste all of Koyama, wants to feel even more of him. He needed like none of his previous girlfriends had ever inspired in him.

“Koyama.” He moaned, pressing his face into his hip. “I need more.”

“Go ahead.” He nuzzled YamaPi’s thigh. Sounded like it could be fun. Twisting, and moving carefully so as not to hit Koyama with his legs he slide so that he was between Koyama’s spread legs.

“Even this?”

“If you want too.” Koyama grinned at him, and shifted his hips so YamaPi could lean down against him and fitting in the cradle of his narrow hips. This way he could kiss, a slick twist of tongues hot and sliding together. His lips were still sore from friction and it felt so bright, almost painful when Koyama sucked on the bottom one, licking at it with his soft tongue.

“Just touch me.” His voice was all scratchy and rough and Koyama’s eyes were so big and liquid, his flushed face totally fucked-out, they focused on him slowly. He grinned.

“Yeah.” His fingers tightened in YamaPi’s hair, pulling him down for another one of those long searing kisses. They slipped down, to knead at the muscles of his back and down to his ass, god it felt so good. “Here.” One of his strong hands tightened on his ass, one rubbing on the sensitive crease where his leg joined, and the other pushing him down so he could rut against Koyama’s thigh.

“Good idea.” YamaPi groaned and Koyama smiled against his lips, leaning up to pull him into another kiss. He had a good amount of leverage like this, could slide his dick against Koyama’s warm skin, the friction was almost too much, not enough slick to make it really glide but enough of a bite to have him pressing down harder moaning and shivering.

“Wait, wait.” And then there was one of Koyama’s long fingers, devious finger pressing against their mouths and it was weird, the hardness of Koyama’s fingers and nail and the softness of his lips and tongue and saliva, everything between them was slick with it. It was hot, but kind of pointless, and then Koyama was pressing that same slick finger against his ass and suddenly, it was the best idea ever. He moaned and Koyama ate up the sound, he couldn’t decided how to move, pressing back against the intrusion or forward against Koyama. He could only helplessly see-saw between the two sensations, letting Koyama direct his movements. Their kisses were too sloppy to really be kisses, YamaPi breathing heavily on Koyama’s lips and cheeks moaning faintly against the softness. It was starting low in his belly, a swift tightening in his gut that signalled the beginning of the end, and Koyama shifted, moving his shoulder down and his legs wider and he was pressing his finger deeper, prodding and fucking YamaPi with it. He moaned, everything coming too suddenly, hitting him before he was ready for it.

“Oh fuck.” He gasped and he was shivering and shuddering, the first squirt slicking the way for him to fuck desperately against Koyama’s hip and abdomen, he tightened around the firmness of Koyama’s finger and holy fuck that felt even better. He came and he came, eyes pressed shut against the devastating intensity of it. Koyama held him, one hand cupping the back of his head, their bodies all but glued together with his come until he came down a little from that incredible high. He’d come until he thought that maybe he’d sustained brain damage from shooting that hard.

“You still with me?” Koyama sounded so damn smug that YamaPi had to smile; well he did have a bit of right to be smug.

“Yeah.” He slurred against Koyama’s shoulder, too relaxed to make his mouth form the words properly.

“That was incredible.” Koyama sighed, and pressed a fond little kiss to his hair. “Next time it will be even better.” He said with such total conviction that it made YamaPi laugh a little. Of course, it would be.

“That a promise?” He smirked and nosed his way into a more comfortable position.

“Of course.”

He searched for Koyama’s hand with his and brushed his thumb over the top. ‘Stay with Yamashita’ it had said, maybe he would write it again. It was important to remember.

Current Music: Rusted from the rain - Billy Tallent

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

vinyaromeniel.livejournal.com

OMG I have no words for it.

It's 4:15 am but I just HAD to finish reading this.

The whole beginning.. darn I'm glad it was a happy ending because when I had to go off for a second during the fic I was a bit scared since I'm all alone at home and such haha

Damn this was really, really, really, really awesome and I have no other words for you than that. I could go ahead and quote you but then I'd be like quoting half of it and that would completely burst this comment haha

And OMG I just love KoyaPi :D

From:

I come with the rain 3/3

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